The Diary Dilemma Read online

  “You think so?”

  “I do. Talia had issues with them at our latest software implementation too. They’re…” Johan looked up to the ceiling in lack of a word.

  “Careless? Angry?”

  “Both.”

  His breath of coffee with a hint of cinnamon reached her nostrils. While she was well aware that their proximity was in direct conflict with her decision to distance herself from him, she couldn’t take even a step back.

  “You don’t seem to like this company too much,” she commented.

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Why don’t you quit?”

  Johan moved away, a mountain of worry filling the space between them. “It’s complicated. I can’t, at least for the moment.”

  “I understand,” she whispered.

  “Do you?”

  “No.”

  He laughed. “Well, it’s a long story. I may be willing to share some of it over lunch.”

  “Lunch?”

  “Yes. It’s lunchtime. I assume you eat.”

  “I do. Eat.”

  “So?”

  Say no. Say no. Say no, a voice kept repeating in Eda's mind. “I’d love to. I’m not sure how much time I have, though.”

  “Matilda can wait. I’m sure--”

  A buzzing came from the desk. Johan went straight to his cell, countless dark lines appearing around his mouth out of nowhere.

  “Excuse me,” he said, moving to the opposite end of the conference room.

  Eda put intense effort into hearing his side of the conversation, but even so, she merely caught glimpses. Her hopes that he was talking to some girlfriend, thus ending her insane attraction, were shattered. Johan’s conversation seemed to be about something entirely different.

  “...sure? Can’t you test again?” A long pause, during which Johan pressed a tight spot on his temple. “I understand. What can we do now?” He jumped to the table and threw a pen on it. “There has to be something you can do,” he almost screamed into the phone. “it’s not good enough... this doesn’t give me much hope.”

  When the conversation ended, Johan remained still, staring at the cell screen. Eda felt out of place. Should she leave? After all, what was going on was none of her business.

  Johan raised his gaze abruptly as if he just remembered she was standing there. “I’m sorry.” His voice was shaky.

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  “I wish there were. Listen, Eda...”

  “We can skip lunch, don’t worry.”

  The invisible wall he’d surrounded himself with strengthened. “I wouldn’t be a good company.”

  “I understand.”

  As she closed the door to the conference room, Eda couldn’t stop wondering if leaving was a good decision. She lingered a few moments, thinking about going back in, watching him as he sat at the table with his head in his palms. When a passer-by appeared in the hallway, she decided to leave.

  New Problems

  “I wanna have fun!”

  Eda had experienced long before the uselessness of attempting to oppose Polly when she spoke with such intensity and the arms crossed. A foot tap would’ve perfected the image of a fearless dragon no one should cross.

  “I know the perfect place,” she responded.

  It took less than half an hour until they passed over the threshold into Bud’s bar, packed as usual. Eda made way through the groups of people while Polly kept close with a hand on her shoulder.

  “Why did we stop?” Polly asked.

  “I’m trying to find a free table,” Eda answered.

  When she was close to giving up, her eyes rested on a tiny table adjacent to the restrooms; with any luck, it didn’t come with a vomit-inducing palette.

  “This place is crazy,” Polly commented as soon as they sat on the leather chairs. “I love it.”

  “I thought you would.”

  Polly’s finger followed the scratches on the wooden table as if they held some code she needed to decipher.

  “Are you alright?” Eda asked.

  “Yes!”

  If it weren't for the dim lights, Eda could’ve sworn a tear was trying to escape her friend’s eye.

  “What’s good to drink around here?” Polly asked.

  “I had an awesome cocktail last time I was here, but I don’t remember the name.”

  “Green Goddess,” a voice announced from behind her. “I’m glad you liked it.”

  Eda shifted her gaze to the voice. Even though it was hard to distinguish the face against the blue neon light, it couldn’t be anyone other than Bud.

  “I did,” she confirmed. “So much that I’d like to repeat the experience.”

  “I have something else in mind for you tonight.”

  “Sounds intriguing.”

  “How’s your new job?” Bud asked.

  “Crazy busy, and your brother is the one to blame.”

  Bud laughed. “Yeah, he told me about that. I wish I could say he regrets it, but I’d be lying. He said you did a great job today.”

  Eda failed to resist dwelling on the fact that she seemed to be a common subject of conversation between Johan and his brother.

  Polly waved her hands in front of their eyes. “Hello! Can you two please stop ignoring me?”

  After the proper introductions, Eda explained, “I brought her to meet the best bartender in New York.”

  Bud’s eyes sparkled. “I’m the main attraction in the city. They should mention me in the tourist brochures.”

  “I'm here to test you. What drink would you recommend?” Polly asked with a wink.

  Bud narrowed his eyes, sizing her up. “I know just the thing.”

  “Oh, do you?” Polly gave a smile that almost made Eda blush. The gray hair from before had vanished sometime during the day, and, together with the new attire and the makeup, she looked ten years younger than she had the previous night.

  “I’ll ask the waitress to get you your drinks. I’m off to Talia with dinner.”

  “That’s nice,” Eda said. “Is she still at the office?”

  “Yes. She’s been working non-stop these past few days. I feel that if I don’t take care of her, she won’t either.”

  “She’s extremely busy. Every time I saw her, she was in a meeting or barely having time to go to the cafeteria and grab a coffee.”

  “I know she loves her job, and I’m doing my best to support her, but I can’t let her ruin her health for it. We didn’t even have time to discuss the wedding.”

  “You don’t have a date yet?”

  Bud’s lips cornered down. “All the good venues in New York are reserved for months in advance, years even. I hate the idea of waiting that long.”

  Polly resumed her usual advice-giving posture. “Why do you have to have your wedding in New York? You can easier find some cute place outside the city.”

  Bud’s mouth stayed open. “I didn’t even consider that!” He glanced at his watch. “Gotta run. Do come back!”

  “We will!”

  Polly kept her eyes fixed on Bud as he departed. “Look at those muscles… you can see them better through that tight top than if he was naked. Makes me want to dry hump him.”

  “Polly!” Eda exclaimed in terror.

  “What?”

  “You’re married. And he’s engaged.”

  “So?”

  “I happen to like his fiancée.”

  “Relax, I wasn’t going to violate his innocence.”

  “I don’t think Joe would appreciate you fantasizing about other men.”

  Deep lines appeared around Polly’s mouth. “It’s not cheating if you’re only thinking about it, I’m told.”

  “That’s ridiculous!”

  Eda would’ve gladly tackled the subject, defending what was often referred to as a puritan position, but the waitress appeared, laying two large glasses in front of them.

  “Let me know if you need anything else,” she said as she was leaving.

&nbs
p; Both ladies studied their drinks carefully.

  “What do you think this is?” Polly asked.

  “I don’t have a clue.”

  “Well, I hope it has a lot of alcohol in it.”

  Polly’s wish must have come true because, by the time the glass was empty, she was flirting with strangers and picking on passersby. If that weren’t enough, she kept ordering refills.

  “You know what? I don’t even care what it's called,” she mouthed with her gaze lost inside the refilled glass. “I’ll name it myself. It’s Liberty. From now on, its name is Liberty.”

  Before Eda had a chance to stop her, Polly stood on the chair, struggling to keep her balance as her heels sunk into the leather. “Let’s drink to liberty!” she shouted.

  People either smiled, raising their glasses, or laughed.

  “For crying out loud, Polly, get down from there!”

  “But I haven’t finished my drink,” she protested. “Uh, I’m dizzy.”

  Eda took advantage of Polly’s lack of balance to direct her to a sitting position as the waitress appeared.

  “Need anything else?” she asked, trying hard to hide her amusement.

  “Just the bill. We’re leaving,” Eda said.

  “We can’t leave! I haven’t finished my drink.”

  “I think you’ve had enough.”

  Polly turned to her, blonde curls waving in the air. “You’re a buzzkill. That’s what you’ve always been, a buzzkill. Fun isn’t even in your dictionary.”

  “I know, I know. I’m a completely boring person...”

  “That’s right. You’re just...unable to have fun...”

  As Eda dragged her friend outside, she didn’t even try to understand what she was mumbling. Alcohol made Polly’s mouth go on without her, throwing out random words that couldn’t be linked to form a coherent sentence.

  Even though her apartment was a few minutes away, it took them almost half an hour, two vomit-stops, and constant encouragement from Eda’s part to reach that far. At one point, Polly took off her shoes and threw them at the unlucky ones who happened to pass by.

  In the years Eda had lived in this apartment, she achieved almost complete invisibility. Her life had been much too quiet for her neighbors to notice her. Now things were about to change, and the whole neighborhood would know of her existence. Hooray!

  When a few steps separated them from their destination, Polly sat on the stairs, laying her head in her arms. Her face hidden, the blonde curls shook, more intensely as time passed. Soon, her entire body spasmed in silence.

  “Polly?”

  Eda wrapped an arm around her, and Polly let the painful cry out. Her loud welp had no end in sight. For a long time, Eda held her friend, trying to absorb at least part of her pain without any means to do so.

  “Honey, what’s going on?” she eventually asked.

  Eda’s question intensified Polly’s weep. People who passed by were looking at them with raised eyebrows or sly smiles, but Eda didn’t care.

  Eventually, the noise went down, and the throbbing stopped.

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Eda asked.

  Polly raised her head, with all the makeup spread across her face. She tried to wipe it away with her sleeves, but even though the dark mascara was gone, her red eyes remained.

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you. You thought I came here to help you, but the truth is I came to get away.”

  “Get away from what?”

  “Everything. My life, I guess. My life has become so...unbearable.”

  Eda did her best to understand. To many people, Polly seemed to have everything. A loving husband. Two great kids. Time for herself. In her messages, Polly raved about her duties in the school council and other activities. In her messages, she seemed happy.

  Polly continued. “Everybody in Springdale thinks my life is so perfect. They’re wrong. I don’t want to dismiss what I have. I love my boys to death, but... My life hasn’t been mine in a very long time. From 5 a.m. until late in the night, I go about making food, shopping, gathering coupons, going to school meetings, washing clothes, and all kinds of stuff that have nothing to do with me.

  “I’m exhausted, Eda! I’m constantly losing myself in the things I have to do. I don’t find any value in any of it. My boys barely speak to me, except to tell me they don’t like what’s for breakfast, or that they need money for one thing or another. All Joe does when he’s at home is to watch some game on TV. It doesn’t even matter what game it is as long as he doesn’t have to pay attention to me.”

  Polly looked away, new tears pouring down. “You know I fell asleep during sex a few times? Me! I love sex, but I don’t have the energy for it anymore. Joe didn’t even seem to notice. As if he didn’t need my input anyway.”

  “Did you talk to him about all this?” Eda dared to ask.

  “Talk? We don’t talk. When I try to bring something up, he says I have unrealistic expectations and ends the conversation.”

  Eda did her best to picture Polly’s life as she revealed it now, a badly distorted version of what she’d believed. While she never counted Joe as one of her friends, she knew him as well as every other person in Springdale. He seemed a good man, which was why she'd been sincerely happy when Polly announced their engagement. She was even at their wedding, offering her support.

  Since Eda had left Springdale soon after their wedding, the image she’d kept all these years was that of a happy couple very much in love.

  “Something must have happened now. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have left.”

  Polly pressed her lips together in her last effort to keep the truth inside, her determination vanishing after a few moments. “We had a huge row on New Year’s. We were supposed to go out, but he didn’t come home. Eventually, I took the boys out alone, and there he was. Joe with his buddies, drinking and picking on everyone. I was so embarrassed! We kept shouting all the way home. Even the boys were scared.”

  She shook her head as if that could erase the past. “But that wasn’t the end of it. A couple of days ago, I had to take the boys to karate classes. I usually stay out until they finish, but that day I went home to put the pie in the oven so that Joe can have his meal ready.” A bitter laugh came out. “I walked into the living room, and there he was, getting it on while watching porn on his son’s laptop.”

  “Oh, honey!”

  “He wasn’t even slightly ashamed! He was mad that I interrupted him before he finished.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  Polly turned to her with a frown. “It is. He said it’s my fault he doesn’t get what he needs from me. That shouldn’t bother me because it wasn’t like he was cheating. Looking is not cheating, he said. Fantasizing is not cheating...” She struggled to stand but couldn’t without Eda’s help. “I left right then and there. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  One terrifying thought crossed Eda’s mind. “You did tell him where you are, right?”

  Her friend looked down. “No.”

  “You mean he doesn’t know you’re here?” Even though that was the obvious implication, Eda still wanted a confirmation.

  “He called and called... I didn’t answer.”

  Eda’s mouth seemed to be stuck open, but she made an effort to speak her mind. “Polly, he must be worried sick! You have to tell him where you are.”

  “I sent him a text telling him to leave me alone. That’s more than he deserves.”

  Polly climbed a couple of stairs with the agility of a 90-year-old woman.

  “You have to tell him you’re with me,” Eda shouted from behind.

  “No, I don’t!” Polly stopped and turned a threatening finger to her old friend. “And neither do you. Don’t you dare tell him I’m in New York.”

  “I won’t,” Eda answered. “I won’t have to because you’ll tell him yourself.”

  “Unlikely. I can only hope he’s worried, but the reality is that he doesn’t care.”
/>   “I don’t think that’s true,” Eda said, finally deciding to help Polly up to the apartment.

  “What happened to my shoes?” Polly asked while stepping through the door.

  Eda laughed. “You’ll remember in the morning.”

  She carried Polly to the couch, where she fell face down.

  “I didn’t forget about my kids,” Polly mouthed through the couch. “I will get my kids back. I just need time to think.”

  “I know, honey,” Eda said, gently touching her hair. “Everything will be okay, you’ll see.”

  She barely finished speaking that Polly’s breath turned heavy and consistent.

  There was so much pain around Eda that she could feel it in the air. Polly and her problems. Johan and whatever troubles he was facing. She had no clue how to handle people in pain, never had. She’d seen her mother in pain as a child during her last days, but could do nothing to alleviate it, either physically or psychologically.

  Her father had often endured emotional pain. She could see it, but never did anything about it. Every time something like this happened, she froze. She would’ve gladly carried the burden herself each time, like now, but was clueless about how she could do it. All she had were words, but what difference could words do?

  Far Away

  Polly was still sleeping when Eda left for work in the morning, so the words of encouragement she’d struggled to find the previous night turned into a note instructing her to call when she woke up.

  Matilda was waiting for her in the reception area, proof enough that this would be a tough day.

  “Did you receive those details you asked for from SIFT?” her boss asked instead of salutations.

  “I didn’t have the chance to open my laptop yet,” Eda answered, forcing a warm voice. “Johan did say it may take them some time.”

  “We don’t have time,” Matilda spit. “The entire team is doing nothing, waiting for them to make up their minds.”

  “I have a suggestion about that if you have time to discuss it,” Eda said. “We can have a cup of coffee together after I settle in.”

  Matilda froze, unsure what to say.

  “Coffee?”

  “Or tea, if you prefer. Would be nice, won’t it? I didn’t have the chance so far to get to know my colleagues.”